Gary Wilson is an influential spoke person and educator on the devastating effects of porn addiction. He helps us understand the brain neuroscience that leads many porn viewers to become compulsive porn addicts. Thanks to his research and dedicated work, and that of countless others, we can remove the moral, social, psychological and religious/spiritual stigmas which keep most people struggling with this addiction, isolated and paralyzed by guilt and shame.
As we better comprehend the brain chemistry involved in addiction –varying from alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, shopping, gambling, and pornography and compulsive masturbation– we can provide the necessary support and understanding to those wanting their freedom back. While it is true that his TED Talk only mentions the influence of porn addiction on straight guys, the addictive processes are the same for all mammals. Even if males are more likely to become addicted to pornography –thanks to our higher level of testosterone– addictive processes do not discriminate by gender identity or sexual orientation.
continued from Newsletter…
The stories of countless porn addicts are very similar. The sequence often goes as such.
- The normal sexual curiosity and impulse gets people to log-on and look for sexually arousing content.
- As they click around for extended periods of time, their nervous system gets overly stimulated.
- Excessive masturbation ensues which both increases sexual stimulation, and releases intense sexual tension.
- Because most of us now have constant access to high speed Internet everywhere and at all times, users can more easily satisfy their ever-increasing need for greater excitement and novelty. So, they keep on clicking away to appease their dopamine neuropathways in need of their next fix.
- As their porn viewing, and masturbation sessions increase, users become more and more desensitized.
- The addicted subcortical structures increase their hold on people’s thoughts, focus and behaviors. The focus becomes narrower. The immediate priority is to get the next neurochemicals rush. And to get it NOW! What once felt like a harmless distractions has now become a constant, or semi-permanent obsession.
- This stage lasts until the person begins to realize that his convincing inner dialogue of “I’ll log-on for only five minutes” turns-out to be a three hours of obsessive zombie porn watching while edging for long periods of times, until –finally– total release is obtained. This frequently happens at the cost of being totally drained and/or too late for work, a get together with friends, or too late to get a good night’s sleep.
- In most instances, this realization is not “the wake up call”. The person will keep on indulging his addict brain.
- He will isolate more and more so that he can keep on getting increasingly greater dopamine highs.
- The online searches will force him to look for more exciting, racy, provocative, unimagined pornographic material. This is how porn websites get many porn users to fall into the “porn black hole”.
- Some sexual fantasies he never thought existed are now being played out in front of his baffled eyes.
- He now finds himself excited and aroused by sexual acts and behaviors that would have repulsed and grossed him out before, or that had nothing to do with his original sexual arousal template. Things he would have condemned vehemently only a short while ago is being integrated as a new, exciting sexual novelty. More secrets to keep to himself!
- The dopamine seeking porn watcher brain is now totally trapped in the insatiable loop of addiction.
- His ability to think logically and sequentially, and to seriously consider the effects of his behaviors on his personal, social and professional life, let alone on his moral and ethical values diminishes, often to a point of being numbed out totally.
- The person doesn’t recognize himself, which increases guilt and shame. This compounds the need to isolate and keep this part of his life compartmentalized, and often fragmented.
- Unfortunately, in many instances, his behaviors enter the realm of illegal activities. When the sub-cortical layers of our brain have been hijacked, our prefrontal cortex is incapable of making decisions which are aligned with our long-term goals and core values. Even the line between what is legal or not can become blurry, or just totally denied. Without a functioning prefrontal cortex he can’t put the brakes on his actions, even when the repercussions could prove to be dangerously detrimental to his life and the life of those he most cares about.
- As is the case of any addictions, if the wake up call doesn’t happen then, devastating consequences might be the final excruciating awakening. Sadly so, for far too many people the brutal wake-up call will leave marks that will tarnish his life for years to come, when not totally wreck his life as he knows it. This is the typical case of “we had no idea… we never knew that part of him… this is not the person we know and love… ” More shame, more guilt, more pain, more isolation, more feeling of being trapped and incapable of doing anything about it prevail. All of this could all have been avoided if proper support had been asked for, and provided.
Now that we know the tragic sequence which moves people from porn watchers to porn addicts, what are we to do? Here are a few pointers:
1) Ask for help. Very few people can overcome an addictive behavior on their own. Find a brief list of resources at the end of this article.
2) Join others who are in recovery:
- Join online forums that support participants to “reboot”. Find some of them at the bottom of this article. These anonymous support groups are often divided by age so that people can share their personal experiences –TOTALLY ANONYMOUSLY– and create a non-judgmental community where people of all sexual orientations share their struggles and humanity together. This helps participants know that they are not alone on their journey towards a healthier sexual life, free from porn addiction.
- Twelve steps programs such as SA, are a gathering of other honest men and women all wanting to pull themselves out of their addictive processes (whether sex or porn). Real human connection offers an extra level of support where people can talk, eyeballs to eyeballs, about their struggles which sometimes an online community cannot. Real, in-the-flesh support groups, can also encourage participants to DO things together. Group members can enjoy simple pleasures of life like playing sports or cards together, watching movies, bowling, theater, etc.
3) Commit to stay away from porn and off masturbation for a while. Install online filters and use them. Your recovery depends on it. A total reboot requires total abstinence from porn and masturbation. Yes! It’s not an obvious concept at first, but it is a must, if you are serious. This doesn’t mean a total abstinence from sex forever. However, for a reboot to happen, a temporary break must take place. Especially, no sex which plays out, or engages the neuropathways that were activated in the pornographic material. When we understand that brains in need of their dopamine fix will create alluring and convincing stories so that they get their fix, we know what to do with these seductive stories that would have us change course from our total reboot. Listen to these convincing stories your brain manufactures. Appreciate how convincing they sound, AND, NOT engage in them.
4) Decide ahead of time how long your reboot will be. Extend it if you judge you need more time. Never shave off any time from your already agreed timeline. Don’t fool yourself by listening to your manipulative logic which says that you can do it without having to stop watching porn. As Gary mentions in his Talk, current research show that people in their 20’s and 30’s may need longer reboot periods than those in their 50’s because of their early access to high speed internet connection while their brains were intensely encoding new neuropathways. As a general rule, a minimum of three months is an honest and realistic goal. Five to six months can definitely be needed for some people. As overwhelming as it may seem at first, and challenging during the initial phase, go at it as a twelve stepper does, one day at a time! The rewards are countless and well worth the effort.
5) Exercise daily, or as many times a week as you can. It doesn’t have to be intense treadmill or cardio or pushing weights, but do exert physical energy throughout the week without too many days in between. Physical exercise will help redirect your focus and change your perspective, and sweat some of the stress out. It will help channel your energy into something which benefits your total health. It will also help recalibrate your dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine pathways.
6) Integrate self-care in your life. Slow down and identify what you need for your reboot process to be successful! Managing stress is one thing. Doing nurturing things for yourself is another. Together, they are both sides of the same coin. Just don’t fool yourself by pretending you are stronger than you really are while on your recovery. It’s not worth it.
6) “In Case of Emergency, Break the Glass”. Know what to do when the challenge becomes too difficult. Who will be part of your support system so that you are not alone when the going gets tough? Plan ahead. Tough patches will come. “Breaking the glass” when these intense challenges come makes a world of difference. It’s not the challenge which matters; it’s what we do when it comes. I have taught many clients to push against a wall (NOT hit the wall), to discharge these rough moments when they come up. This is a way to use big muscles to help discharge the tension inside the body. For some people, it gives them insights on what is really feeding their initial need for porn. Feeling lonely, isolated, inadequate, rejected by someone they were attracted to, bullied as kids, stressed-out etc. are frequent emotions people have felt, which were feeding their obsession to indulge. Just be mindful that if what comes up when doing so feels overwhelming, hold back and wait to process it in a support group or in individual therapy. Push-ups, or standing squats are other powerful ways to discharge the “too much” when the urge to oblige takes you to the edge of “I don’t care, I want to watch porn and masturbate now… F#*K this Reboot!”
7) Identify the patterns that lead you to indulge. Are Saturday evenings spent alone the difficult times when you would “just browse the net and jack-off?” Do you transpose your aggression, your timidity or shyness unto aggressive porn? The more insightful you are on what led you to indulge, the better equipped you’ll be to remain vigilant and prevent repeating old patterns.
8) Use the extra time you now have to learn new skills. Allow yourself to remember and dream of whom you want to be when you are out of the cycle of addiction, and go for it! Learn a new language, play a sport, take classes, go back to the gym, learn a musical instrument, meet and hang out with REAL people, etc. Let your dreams become reality. Let a new you emerge!
9) Educate yourself on porn and sexual addiction. Alex Katehakis “Sex Addiction as Affect Regulation”, and all books by Patrick Carnes are quite powerful books on porn, and of course, there are countless of YouTube videos that are great sources of information and support . Once you start browsing the net looking for others who are rebooting and want to stay away from porn, you’ll soon see that there is a huge international community out there. You are definitely not alone! Take advantage of it! All recovery programs are quite challenging at first. But the process is well worth the effort you put in.
Lastly, it serves us well to remember that –thanks to high speed internet access– porn addiction nowadays has nothing to do with what previous generations dealt with. I hope it is clear by now that addressing the porn addiction epidemic many people face is not synonymous to being prude, judgmental or puritanical. It’s about brain health and better, more fulfilling relationships. Being honest about its devastating effect on our lives frees us from being trapped in the cyber world where, like addicted rats, we keep on pushing buttons to get our fix. When we free ourselves from the pixilated fantasies porn sites have fed us –which is no different than drug dealers keeping their clients hooked on their drug of choice– and reclaim our human and vibrant sexual life with other human beings, we regain our sense of self and our self-esteem!
Here are some Internet sites to help you better understand the effects of porn addiction. Each of these sites allow you to join for free an ever growing community (more than 100,000 members at No Fap and 10,000 members at Reboot Nation), which is dedicated to help you free yourself from porn addiction.
